Yes, English is my first language. No, I don't know everything.

As you may have already deduced, I am an English Teacher in a nation that does not speak English.  It’s a rather glorified title that I fall short of in several areas.  Apart from being a native English speaker, I didn’t actually excel in English at school.  I enjoyed it, but my affections were not reciprocated, for English, as a core school subject, didn’t seem to like me back.  I vaguely remember learning grammar in Primary School (Elementary School), practising writing and printing, reading, answering pointless comprehension questions about the reading, and having at least three spelling tests a week for six years!

From all that, I can honestly say that I can spell (redundant now with spell check), I love to read (who doesn’t?), my penmanship is abysmal (I have been typing all correspondence for years now), I know that ‘i’ comes before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ (still applicable unless you’re texting or using social media which is pretty much all the time) and everything else… just is.

   

I guess it’s the nature of the game that change is constant, as language transforms with such rapid fluidity.  While it is relatively easy to adapt when the language is your own, it’s an entirely different and rather scary affair altogether, trying to impart this knowledge to a non-native speaker, let alone teaching it to them! God! What was I thinking? I think ‘moonlighting’ rather than ‘teaching’ would best describe what I’m doing in Japan.  Many a time I’ve been caught out by my Japanese colleagues with innocent questions about sentence structure and grammar points and all I can come up with is the standard, shamefully inadequate reply, ‘it just is’. 

If I had a dollar for every time I saw a look of confusion etched across a colleagues’ face after uttering those pathetic words, I’d be sunning it up in Bora Bora right now, on a luxury yacht, feasting on traditional Tahitian fare, taking an endless number of ‘selfies’ on the latest smartphone, while tweeting to all and sundry my dramatic list of First World problems. 

Maybe this phrase, closely followed by its’ unabashed definition needs to be included in the current school curriculum? And just what is the definition of this frustratingly absurd phrase? Google doesn’t seem to know.  I checked. 

I imagine that deep in the heart of the Amazon Rainforest, exists a small, black, stone of true insignificance resting idly on the forest floor.  Free from worry and safe from the prying eyes of the annoyingly curious people, to this very day, it has remained unturned.  I believe the elusive definition may be under it.  

Incidentally it’s surrounded by dead cats.